Hazed Read online

  HAZED

  By Nicole Howard

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright 2017 Nicole Howard

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  This book is a work of fiction. All names, places, characters and content are the product of the authors imagination and are fictional. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead is coincidental.

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1 - A New Beginning

  Chapter 2 - Residue

  Chapter 3 - Brighter Sun

  Chapter 4 - Only Make-Believe

  Chapter 5 - Breathless

  Chapter 6 - All I See

  Chapter 7 - Old Friend

  Chapter 8 - Intuition

  Chapter 9 - She’s Yours

  Chapter 10 - Secrets

  Chapter 11 - Significance

  Chapter 12 - All Caught Up

  Chapter 13 - Disaster

  Chapter 14 - Consequences

  Chapter 15 - Encore

  Epilogue

  Prologue

  Two pink lines stared back at me from the small, white, plastic stick. My hands trembled, my breathing was erratic as the shock of the truth took hold. My knees gave out, dropping me to the cold tile floor of the hotel bathroom. At that moment, I was convinced that the feeling in my legs would never return. How did this happen? How was I supposed to tell him?

  Tim, my boyfriend of eight months, was consumed with his career. I guess being an up and coming musician tended to have that effect on a person. When he wasn’t drowning in his work, he was high on cocaine, a habit we both struggled with. How could I pull him away from his career? How could I quit using if I was living in his world? How could I ask him to give up his dream? For me? For this baby?

  An eternity passed before I could climb back to my feet, forcing myself out of the sterile, white bathroom. I knew what I had to do; there wasn’t any other option. I had to put my plan into action, and fast. I scanned the hotel room; our clothing was strung all over the place, over the king-sized bed, piled in the closet, and laying all over the floor. I quickly pulled my suitcase open, tossing it onto the bed. I rummaged through the room, throwing everything I could into the case.

  Exhausted, I sat on the end of the bed with a pad of paper and a pen in hand. What words could I write to make him understand? Was that possible? To make him understand why I was leaving. Why I couldn’t stay with him?

  Tim,

  I’m sorry. I have to go. This life just isn’t for me anymore.

  No, that wasn’t going to work. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that I didn’t care, but maybe that was the best thing. Is it easier if you think someone doesn’t care?

  Tim,

  I’m pregnant, and I need to be in a sober environment. I’m sorry. I will miss you.

  My head shook violently in protest. That was even worse. I couldn’t drop something like that on him and then leave. He would never forgive me. Although I guess no matter what words I leave behind, my actions were unforgivable.

  Tim,

  I love you.

  Ally

  That was it. Short and sweet. Words I had never said to him, but words that were true. I tore the paper off the pad and set it on his side the bed. At least he would know I cared. At least he would know that I loved him. I pushed the remainder of the pad into my purse before making my way to the bathroom to dispose of the evidence.

  Tears burned my eyes as I picked up my suitcase and walked out of the room. The symbolism of shutting the door on this part of my life was not lost on me, as I watched the heavy door click shut. I sighed heavily, knowing I had another hour before anyone would be returning from the concert venue.

  My pace was slow as I walked out the hotel doors into the darkness of the night. A line of beat up, multi-colored taxis waited just outside the hotel, requiring only a simple raise of my hand for their service.

  “Where to?” a grungy man with an overgrown beard asked as he loaded my suitcase into the trunk.

  “The airport.”

  Chapter 1

  A New Beginning

  “Good morning Ally.” Luke greeted as he walked through the front door of the office, only seconds behind me. The glass doors gleamed in the sunlight as they swayed shut.

  “Good Morning!” I responded, with a slight yawn. I finished shrugging off my jacket, hanging it on a metal hanger only to have it fall in a heap at my feet. “Mondays.” I huffed, as Luke leaned down and retrieved the black coat. His attempt to hang it was more successful than mine. “Thank you.” I smiled, slipping my feet out of the black flip flops and forcing them into my simple, professional black heels.

  “It’ll be Friday before you know it. How is your daughter?” The warm deep walls shaded onto his tanned skin. Luke had developed a habit of talking to me every morning over the past few months. He had quickly caught on that the best way to start my day was with a conversation about my daughter.

  “She’s great. Getting big.” My little girl, my life, my reason for being. She was the only reason I was standing in an office building instead of being in a random hotel room, snorting another line of coke. The strength it had taken to land in a strange city, struggling to find a half decent job was entirely driven by the tiny baby that grew inside of me. Before my daughter, I wholeheartedly believed that the only aspect of life I was somewhat decent at was hanging off Tim’s arm.

  The moment the test confirmed my pregnancy I made the decision to leave my life behind, and never looked back. Well, at least not in the eyes of the outside world. I had avoided telling people where I came from, or why I decided to move. I simply found a job, waited to announce my pregnancy and then took on the story that I was unsure of who the father was. It was simpler for people to perceive me as promiscuous rather than dealing with the reaction that would inevitably arise if anyone ever discovered the true paternity of my daughter.

  Fortunately, the small sized town in Texas worked well in my situation. I fell in love with the ability to mesh into the population, as an employee, as a young woman, and as a single mother. Texas had never appealed to me before my pregnancy, however standing in the airport with my single bag of luggage staring at the departures, the southern state seemed like the best option. It wouldn’t have mattered where I landed because I didn’t have a family to run home to.

  After I had left, Tim’s music career took off. Every single the band released was climbing the charts at record speed. Their song writing was reaching new levels, and these improvements only solidified the reasoning behind my departure. Their fan base was growing, which meant Tim was everywhere. It was impossible for me to ignore his music, his voice, or his face. In some ways, I appreciated that. In others, it brought on bouts of emptiness and longing. I missed him, and there was no way to deny that.

  My small two-bedroom apartment was my only comfort outside of my daughter. The building was old, and the yellowing white paint had chipped off the old wooden siding, but I could afford it, and it allowed for just enough space for my daughter and me. Having my very own apartment showed me the value of stability. My clothes were always neatly put away, the fridge was always full of food, that I knew how to cook, and I slept in the same bed every night. My daughter’s room and toys made it feel like a home. If I wasn’t putting in my time at work, I preferred staying home with Kenzie. It made everything else worth it.

  I sat
down in my cubicle and turned on my computer. My best friend, Maggie, sat on the other side. Her random pop-ups were part of the reason I enjoyed coming to work every day. I wasn’t taking this job for granted. In a smaller town, with my limited education, the opportunities were sparse, and this was the best job I could secure. I had never continued past high school, and I didn’t have the money to work toward a job I would love. Data entry might not be the most exciting career in the world, but it paid the bills.

  “Hey, Al. How are you doing?” Maggie was loud and bubbly, her bright red head of hair popping up over the fabric wall. The reasons she was my best friend were numerous, but the number one reason was her lack of curiosity. She took me at face value and never needed to know any details about my history. So, with Maggie, I could be the new me, without worrying about stumbling over my past life. In the same vein, I was just as content that she never spoke of her past either.

  “I’m great!” I smiled, “Kenzie actually slept most of the night, so I feel rested.” I pulled a file folder out of the inbox on my desk. “I’m sure I’ll feel even better when this file is empty though.”

  Maggie bubbled with laughter. “You know that will never happen.”

  Resigned to the fact that Maggie spoke the truth, I flipped through the stack of papers. Maggie’s job was only a step up from mine on the scale of excitement. She was able to play around with the numbers, as an accountant. Unfortunately, she was still on the bottom level of the company, but it was a much better role than mine.

  “What are your plans this weekend? Please tell me they include more than sitting in your apartment.” Her red hair disappeared from the top of the cubicle, the fabric divider muffled her voice slightly. Even still, I could detect a hint of sarcasm.

  “Well, I might include a movie in that plan.” A grin spread across my face. Maggie’s main goal in life lately was convincing me to leave my house and develop a social life. As per the Dating Gospel of Maggie, I would never meet anyone in my apartment. Sure, she was right, the odds were I wouldn’t meet anyone there, but I also didn’t want to meet anyone. To me, it seemed like the perfect place to hide.

  “Why don’t you come over?” I suggested. That was our norm. She would come over one night of the weekend, watch a movie with me, listen to some music, or obsess over something in the media.

  “Ya, I probably will.” I could hear her keyboard clicking as she continued to work. “Some weekend I’m going to get you out of the house, and that’s all there is to it.”

  The day passed just as uneventfully as the morning. Typical office gossip and screens full of numbers. My favorite thing about this job was the freedom I had to daydream about my past. The monotonous task of entering numbers allowed my mind to multi-task, balancing typing data with twisting and turning through my best memories.

  The highlight of my day was always picking up Kenzie from daycare. Seeing her smiling face made my new life worth losing everything I had left behind. Beyond that, I went home, fed Kenzie, threw some food in the microwave, and crawled up on the couch, letting the television lull me to sleep.

  Days continued to run together, as we inched closer to the weekend. My days were always the same, an instruction manual for a single working parent.

  Step One – Wake-up alone with a cup of coffee and standard cartoons on the television.

  Step Two – Tickle Kenzie awake. Allow her to plaster herself with yogurt and a mashed banana before wrangling her into an outfit for the day.

  Step Three – Perform the two-handed carry, stroller and diaper bag in one arm, Kenzie in the other while descending two flights of stairs.

  Step Four – Battle with the stroller straps and a squirmy Kenzie before rushing to catch the bus to her daycare.

  Step Five – Deal with the guilt of leaving a teary-eyed baby while walking three blocks to the office.

  Step Six – Type my way through the work day.

  Step Seven – Retrace my steps and end the day with a meal of some sort and a bedtime routine.

  The repetition never bothered me, in fact, I liked the predictability. It wasn’t until Thursday afternoon that my boring lifestyle became challenged.

  It was four o’clock, almost the end of the work day when Luke made his way over to my desk. He looked nervous, wringing his hands with slightly flushed cheeks. His behavior made me nervous; Luke was always composed and professional. Even without paying much attention to the opposite sex, I couldn’t deny that Luke was attractive. He had soft brown eyes, clean cut blond hair and towered over my five-foot-five-inch height. I had never looked at him as anything more than a co-worker, but as he walked toward me, I had a feeling he wanted that to change.

  Butterflies invaded my stomach, a mixture of panic and nerves. My mind was racing as I debated my response to whatever Luke was planning to say. I was jumping to conclusions. It was possible he wasn’t even coming over to talk to me. My only escape was to keep working, and I attempted to do that as Luke closed the gap.

  “How’s your day going?” He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other. I knew Luke was not at all interested in knowing how my day was going, confident that Luke was only looking for an opening to say what it was he planned to say.

  “Not too bad.” I forced a smile; the nerves were taking over. “How has yours been?”

  He played with a few pieces of paper that sat on the corner of my desk. “Long.” Luke chuckled. “I was wondering…” He looked down at the mess of black font and scribbled blue ink, then back up to me. I forced myself to make eye contact. This shouldn’t scare me, should it? “…If maybe you would want to, you know, go to dinner this weekend?”

  My heart raced. Trying to prepare an answer for him wasn’t working out very well. I stumbled over my words. “I, um… I,” God Ally get the answer out. “I don’t have a sitter for Kenzie.” My body relaxed. That excuse was honest, and an easy way out.

  “I will watch her!” Maggie chimed in, popping up, her grin wide and a little bit evil. Of course, she would. Luke was giving her the opportunity to reach her goal. If ever there were a time I wanted a mallet to play whack-a-Maggie, this would be it. The urge to shoot a glare her way died with Luke’s responsive chuckle.

  “Um, okay.” I submitted. There was little point in fighting this, and after a year and a half one date wouldn’t kill me. I was a twenty-two-year-old single woman, at some point this was inevitable unless I wanted my vagina to shrivel up and die.

  “Great! I will pick you up at seven on Saturday?” He smiled, pleased with my answer.

  “How about eight?” I countered. “That way I can put Kenzie to bed first.”, and buy me some time to accept this.

  He nodded, “Sounds good.”

  I waited until he was out of sight before giving in to the urge, shooting Maggie an angry glare. “Why would you do that?” I was upset she hadn’t at least given me the opportunity to think about it. I would have felt better if I hadn’t been put on the spot.

  “Oh Ally, you need this. A night out will give you the chance to have some fun.” She was quite proud of herself. “One date, Al. It’s just one date.”

  I shrugged my shoulders; she had a point. I gave a heavy sigh, returning to my work. My eyes closed, picturing Tim. It was time to let go of whatever hope I was still grasping. I was never going to see him again, let alone ever have a chance for a relationship. Part of my heart would always belong to him, but moving on was the best thing for me, even though I knew it didn’t make it any easier.

  The realization of what I had agreed to set in. “Mags, you’re going to have to come shopping with me then. I don’t have anything to wear.” I panicked. My closet was bland. I may have left with a suitcase full of designer duds, but I outgrew those within a few months, and I’ve never returned to that size. Now my wardrobe consisted of dress pants, all black and gray, two pairs of second-hand jeans, a couple of worn pairs of shorts and quite a few simple tops. Not one article of clothing was impressive. Not one thing would qualify as da
te-worthy.

  “Finally!” Maggie’s head bobbed as she jumped up and down on the other side of the cubicle. “Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting to upgrade your closet.”

  “Let’s not go overboard.” I slowed her down. “I only need one outfit.” Truthfully, I couldn’t afford to spend much on clothing. I made enough to cover the basics, so we weren’t going without, but any extra funds I had either went to Kenzie or into an emergency fund.

  I wasn’t surprised to find Maggie waiting in the parking lot of my apartment building when I arrived home with Kenzie. Her enthusiasm knew no bounds. She got out of her small, two-door, red Volkswagen Golf and followed me into the building.

  “I just need to feed Kenzie and see if Sarah will watch her while we are out,” I stated, unlocking the door. Sarah was my next-door neighbor. She moved in six months ago, and while she mostly kept to herself, Maggie had roped her into hanging out with us a couple of times, and now we were all close friends. She loved spending time with Kenzie, and rarely if ever, passed up the chance to watch her.

  “You feed Kenzie. I will go and talk to Sarah.” She held the door open as I carried Kenzie in. “I don’t want you to back out on me.” The door shut behind her as made her way across the hall.

  “Oh, Kenzie.” I sighed, as I tugged off her light pink sweater and set her in the animal print, plastic highchair. She giggled in response. Although Kenzie was only nine months old, she always seemed to understand what I was saying and responded appropriately. I fed her blended green beans and corn and changed her into a sleeper before Maggie re-entered the apartment. She must have been filling Sarah in.